It'll Happen
"It'll happen."
That is currently by far my most despised saying (followed closely by "get wrecked," but that's a story for another day). I can't tell you how many people have told Jordan and me that. Now, I know that everyone who says it to us means well, but when you're experiencing infertility it isn't something that brings much comfort. Not for me.
I'm not writing this to hurt anybody's feelings or to lash out at anyone who has offered consolation to us, at least I don't think so. I don't know, it's really difficult to describe my feelings. One minute I'll be ready to curl up in bed and cry myself to sleep, another I'll rationalize myself into being okay with not being pregnant, and the next I'll be so confused and upset that my prayer up to God becomes more of a shouting match which gets drowned out by the continual questions in my mind.
Why us? Why is my body so confusing? Why can't I get a grip? Will I ever carry a child inside me? Will I ever give Jordan the little boy he wants so much? Do I even have a purpose if I can't be a mother?
Of course, most of you reading are probably sitting back at this point shaking your head at me. After all, we've only been married for 8 and a half months; I'm barely an adult. Why not just enjoy being married for awhile?! We have plenty of time.
Well duh; I know all those things! I love Jordan! I love being married to him. I love my family. I love my life. Being a nurse is definitely what I was made to do....because I'm meant to nurture...to mother. See, one thing leads to another. Round and round the circle I go, completely unable to separate myself from this deep longing- to be a mom.
I love my patients, I love my youth group kids, I love my siblings. But I'm not their physical mom. There is still a hole in my heart.
Being the oldest of 7, I have never not been nurturing somebody since I was just under 2 years old. I don't know how to not do that. I don't know how to have just 2 people in a home. I still can't even figure out how to cook for just Jordan and me. Luckily we like leftovers!
Jordan and I have been tracking my cycle and what my body has been up to since before we were married. I know my body inside and out, but lately it has been very unpredictable. Then again, so has life. Barb, my dear NFP practitioner, straight up told me that nobody could have gotten pregnant over the last 8 months. We've been under too much stress.
Well then.
Humans can only do so much, though. That is why she always says, "and there's the God factor " anytime I go to see her.
Oh. Oh. Yeah....
I think a lot of my struggle stems from me having such a tight grip on the control switch of life. Obviously, I can't handle that much responsibility. Nobody can. That's why God is God and we are not. I could have the most perfect ovulation and Jordan could have the strongest sperm known to mankind, but if God's timing for us to have children isn't when we're trying then we will not get pregnant.
He's got the final say, and I have to trust Him. I have trusted Him through some of the darkest times in my life. I have handed him problems bigger than Mount Everest, and He always takes care of it. The Lord put the desire to be a mother on my heart for a reason. I have no choice but to trust that the One who made my heart knows it best, and He never disappoints. So when I pray to God tonight asking when Jordan and I will have this desire to have little ones satisfied, I will rest in His answer:
It'll happen. Trust Me. And someday, when this is behind you, you will look back and realize that this trial, like all trials you've gone through, were put in your path for a reason. Just trust Me.
That is currently by far my most despised saying (followed closely by "get wrecked," but that's a story for another day). I can't tell you how many people have told Jordan and me that. Now, I know that everyone who says it to us means well, but when you're experiencing infertility it isn't something that brings much comfort. Not for me.
I'm not writing this to hurt anybody's feelings or to lash out at anyone who has offered consolation to us, at least I don't think so. I don't know, it's really difficult to describe my feelings. One minute I'll be ready to curl up in bed and cry myself to sleep, another I'll rationalize myself into being okay with not being pregnant, and the next I'll be so confused and upset that my prayer up to God becomes more of a shouting match which gets drowned out by the continual questions in my mind.
Why us? Why is my body so confusing? Why can't I get a grip? Will I ever carry a child inside me? Will I ever give Jordan the little boy he wants so much? Do I even have a purpose if I can't be a mother?
Of course, most of you reading are probably sitting back at this point shaking your head at me. After all, we've only been married for 8 and a half months; I'm barely an adult. Why not just enjoy being married for awhile?! We have plenty of time.
Well duh; I know all those things! I love Jordan! I love being married to him. I love my family. I love my life. Being a nurse is definitely what I was made to do....because I'm meant to nurture...to mother. See, one thing leads to another. Round and round the circle I go, completely unable to separate myself from this deep longing- to be a mom.
I love my patients, I love my youth group kids, I love my siblings. But I'm not their physical mom. There is still a hole in my heart.
Being the oldest of 7, I have never not been nurturing somebody since I was just under 2 years old. I don't know how to not do that. I don't know how to have just 2 people in a home. I still can't even figure out how to cook for just Jordan and me. Luckily we like leftovers!
Jordan and I have been tracking my cycle and what my body has been up to since before we were married. I know my body inside and out, but lately it has been very unpredictable. Then again, so has life. Barb, my dear NFP practitioner, straight up told me that nobody could have gotten pregnant over the last 8 months. We've been under too much stress.
Well then.
Humans can only do so much, though. That is why she always says, "and there's the God factor " anytime I go to see her.
Oh. Oh. Yeah....
I think a lot of my struggle stems from me having such a tight grip on the control switch of life. Obviously, I can't handle that much responsibility. Nobody can. That's why God is God and we are not. I could have the most perfect ovulation and Jordan could have the strongest sperm known to mankind, but if God's timing for us to have children isn't when we're trying then we will not get pregnant.
He's got the final say, and I have to trust Him. I have trusted Him through some of the darkest times in my life. I have handed him problems bigger than Mount Everest, and He always takes care of it. The Lord put the desire to be a mother on my heart for a reason. I have no choice but to trust that the One who made my heart knows it best, and He never disappoints. So when I pray to God tonight asking when Jordan and I will have this desire to have little ones satisfied, I will rest in His answer:
It'll happen. Trust Me. And someday, when this is behind you, you will look back and realize that this trial, like all trials you've gone through, were put in your path for a reason. Just trust Me.
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