Fight For, Not Against
Jordan and I just celebrated our first year anniversary last week. We're both in awe of all the blessings and trials we've been given to walk through together during that time and are very much looking forward to many more years together (soon as a married couple)! Many of you know that most of our year together has been as an engaged couple, which is so much fun, but we will definitely be the first to tell you that a long engagement is not easy. At all. A 14 and a half month engagement was necessary to our life situation, but it certainly isn't something we would suggest to anyone.
Engagement is an interesting period of life. It's so much fun, but is also filled with lots of frustration if you're choosing to be chaste. Jordan and I are saving sex for marriage, and while it is easily the best decision we've made (besides following Christ, of course), it is also the most difficult. We've had to endure teasing and unwanted lessons about what to do or not to do in the bedroom from people who live differently than us. That isn't such a big deal, though; it isn't anything new to us.
What is new is the pressure from within ourselves.
Here's what I mean: We have found that self control is a lot harder to come by when you're in a relationship with someone to whom you know you'll soon be married. It seems like nobody talks about that! Out of all the books I've read, talks I've listened to, and videos I've watched, I never had anything stick out to me that said "you have no idea how hard this is going to be." Sure, I knew it'd be hard, but nobody told me it'd be scream into your hands and clench your fists till they hurt hard. Nobody told me I'd want to start crying because we can't show each other married physical love yet even though our bodies are begging for it. Nobody told me we were going to fall, even though we aren't actually having sex or even taking our clothes off.
"Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak," it says in Matthew 26:41. Jesus wasn't kidding. The flesh is definitely weak. Jordan and I have boundaries and expectations of ourselves, but just because we are willing and desire to live up to them doesn't mean our actions perfectly reflect that. Since the fall of man, sin is woven into us and Satan exploits that fact at every turn. We fight to keep our human desires in check, as well as warding off the devil's desire to see us fail every time we're together and even when we're apart. Our longing for intimacy is a very good thing, but acting on it outside of marriage isn't.
We've disappointed ourselves and each other more than once. We've also disappointed God on many occasions, but He has so graciously forgiven us every single time. Confession is a frequent Sacrament for us both, which is a good idea for everyone because the graces we receive there are so very needed. A priest gave us some really good advice when he said we need to start looking at our struggles not so much as a fight against impurity, but as a fight for purity. That hit me in a way I wasn't really expecting. Think about it this way: it's a lot easier to score in football if you're on offense rather than defense. There are also more ways to score if you already have the ball in your possession, plus you don't need to work to get the ball away from your opponent.
Yeah, it's hard and frustrating. Yeah, we aren't perfect. But I know for certain that this is a fight worth fighting, and come 7 months from now I know that we'll be able to say that all of our efforts were worth it. It will be worth it all to look at Jordan on our wedding day and know that I fought for him and he fought for me. We fought for us. From now until then, we're fighting for purity.
Engagement is an interesting period of life. It's so much fun, but is also filled with lots of frustration if you're choosing to be chaste. Jordan and I are saving sex for marriage, and while it is easily the best decision we've made (besides following Christ, of course), it is also the most difficult. We've had to endure teasing and unwanted lessons about what to do or not to do in the bedroom from people who live differently than us. That isn't such a big deal, though; it isn't anything new to us.
What is new is the pressure from within ourselves.
Here's what I mean: We have found that self control is a lot harder to come by when you're in a relationship with someone to whom you know you'll soon be married. It seems like nobody talks about that! Out of all the books I've read, talks I've listened to, and videos I've watched, I never had anything stick out to me that said "you have no idea how hard this is going to be." Sure, I knew it'd be hard, but nobody told me it'd be scream into your hands and clench your fists till they hurt hard. Nobody told me I'd want to start crying because we can't show each other married physical love yet even though our bodies are begging for it. Nobody told me we were going to fall, even though we aren't actually having sex or even taking our clothes off.
"Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak," it says in Matthew 26:41. Jesus wasn't kidding. The flesh is definitely weak. Jordan and I have boundaries and expectations of ourselves, but just because we are willing and desire to live up to them doesn't mean our actions perfectly reflect that. Since the fall of man, sin is woven into us and Satan exploits that fact at every turn. We fight to keep our human desires in check, as well as warding off the devil's desire to see us fail every time we're together and even when we're apart. Our longing for intimacy is a very good thing, but acting on it outside of marriage isn't.
We've disappointed ourselves and each other more than once. We've also disappointed God on many occasions, but He has so graciously forgiven us every single time. Confession is a frequent Sacrament for us both, which is a good idea for everyone because the graces we receive there are so very needed. A priest gave us some really good advice when he said we need to start looking at our struggles not so much as a fight against impurity, but as a fight for purity. That hit me in a way I wasn't really expecting. Think about it this way: it's a lot easier to score in football if you're on offense rather than defense. There are also more ways to score if you already have the ball in your possession, plus you don't need to work to get the ball away from your opponent.
Yeah, it's hard and frustrating. Yeah, we aren't perfect. But I know for certain that this is a fight worth fighting, and come 7 months from now I know that we'll be able to say that all of our efforts were worth it. It will be worth it all to look at Jordan on our wedding day and know that I fought for him and he fought for me. We fought for us. From now until then, we're fighting for purity.
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