Day 1 Starts Today
It’s really hard to quantify the feelings running through my body at this moment in time. Every death hits you differently, and this is no exception. Many of you know that my maternal grandpa unexpectedly passed away yesterday. He had terminal cancer originating from his lungs (PLEASE don’t smoke, people), but what killed him was a blood clot. I won’t go into detail into which hospital or the exact care he received, but let’s just say as his granddaughter and a nurse, I’m currently not a happy camper. There are so many things that I had planned to do and say, but I never got the chance to do any of them. Those are the regrets I have. So many regrets.
Many relationships go through ups and downs, and ours was no different. Unfortunately, we were in the in the middle of a slump where we’d get somewhere and then slide back down to the bottom of the dip. I know that I’ll go through the stages of grief in my own time, but as this moment I’m a total wreck. Praise Jesus for my wonderful in-laws who cut our holiday trip to the South short to bring me back home. It’s ironic that the place we’re coming from happens to be the place Grandpa was stationed for some time when he was in the military. It makes the whole situation even more bittersweet.
A few years back, I wrote a piece about my brother’s classmate who unexpectedly passed away. I told everyone that it’s okay to not be okay, and I still believe in that. Death was never part of God’s plan for humanity. He loves us so very much that immense grief breaks His heart the way it breaks our own. So many times in Scripture Jesus wept with the mourning. He didn’t brush off other’s grief saying that they’re in a better place. He met them where they were at. 2000 years later, He still does that.
Those of you who have experienced the sting of death know that the first few days are only the beginning. Down the road I know that I’ll sit on my bed holding the wooden carved box Grandpa brought me back from his deployment in Turkey. Whenever I hear a military plane, I’ll remember his retirement party when he let me and my siblings look inside a fighter jet. And someday when my kids stay over at my parents, I will snuggle with them in the teepee that he got me way back when my brother and I had sleepovers at his house.
There were some things that did not go quite as smoothly in our relationship, as I mentioned before. But now that he is on the next leg of his journey home to the Lord, I’m finally realizing that none of that matters. It doesn’t just apply to him, either. Any fights of hurts that I’ve carried from my past do not matter. They hold no weight compared to the loss we are experiencing. They just don’t. As difficult as it will be, letting go of the guilt I have of things I didn’t do or words I didn’t say matters more than anything else. Remembering the good times, the love we shared that surpassed all else; that’s what I have left.
I learned so much from this man. He was tall and strong, knowledgeable quite the handyman. He gave hugs and kisses and was an upstanding man of faith. Always willing to get down and dirty with the kiddos and sit around a bonfire. I want the good things to drown out the bad, I want to tell my kids that I am descended from a wonderful man.
This has been a wake up call. I’ve held onto things that weigh me down both emotionally and spiritually. Experiences that have hurt me and caused some sharp edges around my heart. If Grandpa can do one more thing, and he will through Christ even in death, it is healing my heart. Bad experiences shape parts of us, but they do’t define us. They don’t weigh us down. At least, they don’t have to. Grief can be an anchor, or it can be a buoy. You choose. I choose to float, to keep from drowning. Even though there will be days when wave of sadness soak me and take my breath away, I will stay afloat. He would want that.
For those of you experiencing the loss of a loved one, I won’t claim to be an expert. Just know that I am right next to you. My battle is different from yours, but we all have healing and peace as the end goal. With God’s grace and the help of our friends and family, we will reach that goal.
Please pray for my grandpa’s soul. Pray for my family as we navigate this storm. Pray that someday, we will see him again in Heaven.
Many relationships go through ups and downs, and ours was no different. Unfortunately, we were in the in the middle of a slump where we’d get somewhere and then slide back down to the bottom of the dip. I know that I’ll go through the stages of grief in my own time, but as this moment I’m a total wreck. Praise Jesus for my wonderful in-laws who cut our holiday trip to the South short to bring me back home. It’s ironic that the place we’re coming from happens to be the place Grandpa was stationed for some time when he was in the military. It makes the whole situation even more bittersweet.
A few years back, I wrote a piece about my brother’s classmate who unexpectedly passed away. I told everyone that it’s okay to not be okay, and I still believe in that. Death was never part of God’s plan for humanity. He loves us so very much that immense grief breaks His heart the way it breaks our own. So many times in Scripture Jesus wept with the mourning. He didn’t brush off other’s grief saying that they’re in a better place. He met them where they were at. 2000 years later, He still does that.
Those of you who have experienced the sting of death know that the first few days are only the beginning. Down the road I know that I’ll sit on my bed holding the wooden carved box Grandpa brought me back from his deployment in Turkey. Whenever I hear a military plane, I’ll remember his retirement party when he let me and my siblings look inside a fighter jet. And someday when my kids stay over at my parents, I will snuggle with them in the teepee that he got me way back when my brother and I had sleepovers at his house.
There were some things that did not go quite as smoothly in our relationship, as I mentioned before. But now that he is on the next leg of his journey home to the Lord, I’m finally realizing that none of that matters. It doesn’t just apply to him, either. Any fights of hurts that I’ve carried from my past do not matter. They hold no weight compared to the loss we are experiencing. They just don’t. As difficult as it will be, letting go of the guilt I have of things I didn’t do or words I didn’t say matters more than anything else. Remembering the good times, the love we shared that surpassed all else; that’s what I have left.
I learned so much from this man. He was tall and strong, knowledgeable quite the handyman. He gave hugs and kisses and was an upstanding man of faith. Always willing to get down and dirty with the kiddos and sit around a bonfire. I want the good things to drown out the bad, I want to tell my kids that I am descended from a wonderful man.
This has been a wake up call. I’ve held onto things that weigh me down both emotionally and spiritually. Experiences that have hurt me and caused some sharp edges around my heart. If Grandpa can do one more thing, and he will through Christ even in death, it is healing my heart. Bad experiences shape parts of us, but they do’t define us. They don’t weigh us down. At least, they don’t have to. Grief can be an anchor, or it can be a buoy. You choose. I choose to float, to keep from drowning. Even though there will be days when wave of sadness soak me and take my breath away, I will stay afloat. He would want that.
For those of you experiencing the loss of a loved one, I won’t claim to be an expert. Just know that I am right next to you. My battle is different from yours, but we all have healing and peace as the end goal. With God’s grace and the help of our friends and family, we will reach that goal.
Please pray for my grandpa’s soul. Pray for my family as we navigate this storm. Pray that someday, we will see him again in Heaven.
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