One in Eight: Our Story
We have just begun National Infertility Awareness Week, and I thought I'd start it off with telling our story. I've written about our journey within other posts, but this time I'm going to dedicate an entire piece to it. Infertility definitely has the hush factor surrounding it, and it's important to me to break the stigma and to help foster a dialogue. We aren't looking for pity or anything like that; we just want people to be aware that this cross is very real to more couples than you realize.
When Jordan and I got married in December of 2017, we told ourselves that we were going to try to avoid conceiving, at least for a little while, till we could get settled into being married. At the same time, though, we would have been overjoyed at being gifted a child. That's what we told ourselves, anyway. If you look at what our intimacy timing actually was though, we were definitely not trying to avoid getting pregnant. So every month, I was keenly aware that my period might not come, and we were okay with that. But every time I took a pregnancy test, it was negative. Cycle after cycle came and went. We knew before we got married that I had a progesterone deficiency, but we were told it shouldn't be an issue for conception. I was on a supplement, I was a pro at charting my cycle. We were set to get pregnant. But we never did.
We were (and still are) meeting with Barb, our NFP coach, and she sent us to a midwife named Courtney trained in NFP and who struggled with infertility herself. We met with her in April and set up a game plan that we felt comfortable with. We decided that since we're still pretty young to just work on getting my hormone levels stable and then if we weren't pregnant by January of 2019 we would become more aggressive in our approach.
Well, 2018 has been here and gone, and here we sit, childless.
I started taking Clomid, a fertility drug that helps to kickstart ovulation, but that hasn't worked. We found out after more bloodwork that not only am I deficient in progesterone, but my estrogen levels are abnormally low, as well. That came as a shock because we had thought we were just battling the one issue, only to find out that there is more to the story. I've endured countless negative pregnancy tests, numerous pokes, and points in my cycle that confine me to the couch. Now we are upping and adding my meds, getting Jordan tested for male infertility, and are planning an invasive ultrasound to make sure my internal anatomy is normal.
And that's just the physical side of it.
I'll be honest. I thought that because I got my period on a regular basis and because my mom had 7 kids, it would be quite easy to get pregnant. Realizing that isn't the case has been extremely frustrating. I struggle with depression, feelings of inadequacy, failure, anger, and hopelessness. It's much better now than it was before my most recent reversion back to God, but I still have rough days. Yesterday in Mass, Jordan and I sat behind the most adorable baby. I was taken by it, and although it brought me joy to interact with the child, I also experienced sadness. That's just how it goes. It breaks my heart to see Jordan interact with kiddos, and to not be able to give him one of our own.
Some days I'm totally fine, and some days I'm not. I still have a deep love for babies, children, and mothers. It's just that sometimes this cross gets so heavy because these loves remind me of what I don't have, and so I have to step away to collect myself.
I know that infertility can cause a strain on marriages, but it has actually brought us closer to each other and to the Lord. It's a burden, for sure, but it's something we are carrying together. We have chosen to be open about it with our friends and family, which overall has been a gift. We have had some people epically fail us, but so many more have stepped up in ways that show how much they care about us. Multiple couples have informed us of their pregnancy in private out of respect and love for us and our situation. I've been given flowers and taken out for a distraction during more difficult times on this journey. Infertility has been one of the greatest exercises in faith and total dependence on God, and so for that I am thankful. Our vulnerability has also led to others reaching out with their own stories of infertility.
Besides all of that, our lack of children has allowed us to grow exponentially as a couple. We have also been making it a point to use this time and independence to foster relationships with our friends and family, to travel, to serve God, and to work on different projects. There is no point is sitting around waiting for something that may never come, and neither of us are much for twiddling our thumbs when there are things to do. So, while we are in this time of reproductive barrenness, we are choosing to bear fruit in other ways.
Is it still hard? Yeah. Is it possible that we may never have children. Yeah. But do we have faith that God can work miracles, even one this big?
Absolutely.
When Jordan and I got married in December of 2017, we told ourselves that we were going to try to avoid conceiving, at least for a little while, till we could get settled into being married. At the same time, though, we would have been overjoyed at being gifted a child. That's what we told ourselves, anyway. If you look at what our intimacy timing actually was though, we were definitely not trying to avoid getting pregnant. So every month, I was keenly aware that my period might not come, and we were okay with that. But every time I took a pregnancy test, it was negative. Cycle after cycle came and went. We knew before we got married that I had a progesterone deficiency, but we were told it shouldn't be an issue for conception. I was on a supplement, I was a pro at charting my cycle. We were set to get pregnant. But we never did.
We were (and still are) meeting with Barb, our NFP coach, and she sent us to a midwife named Courtney trained in NFP and who struggled with infertility herself. We met with her in April and set up a game plan that we felt comfortable with. We decided that since we're still pretty young to just work on getting my hormone levels stable and then if we weren't pregnant by January of 2019 we would become more aggressive in our approach.
Well, 2018 has been here and gone, and here we sit, childless.
I started taking Clomid, a fertility drug that helps to kickstart ovulation, but that hasn't worked. We found out after more bloodwork that not only am I deficient in progesterone, but my estrogen levels are abnormally low, as well. That came as a shock because we had thought we were just battling the one issue, only to find out that there is more to the story. I've endured countless negative pregnancy tests, numerous pokes, and points in my cycle that confine me to the couch. Now we are upping and adding my meds, getting Jordan tested for male infertility, and are planning an invasive ultrasound to make sure my internal anatomy is normal.
And that's just the physical side of it.
I'll be honest. I thought that because I got my period on a regular basis and because my mom had 7 kids, it would be quite easy to get pregnant. Realizing that isn't the case has been extremely frustrating. I struggle with depression, feelings of inadequacy, failure, anger, and hopelessness. It's much better now than it was before my most recent reversion back to God, but I still have rough days. Yesterday in Mass, Jordan and I sat behind the most adorable baby. I was taken by it, and although it brought me joy to interact with the child, I also experienced sadness. That's just how it goes. It breaks my heart to see Jordan interact with kiddos, and to not be able to give him one of our own.
Some days I'm totally fine, and some days I'm not. I still have a deep love for babies, children, and mothers. It's just that sometimes this cross gets so heavy because these loves remind me of what I don't have, and so I have to step away to collect myself.
I know that infertility can cause a strain on marriages, but it has actually brought us closer to each other and to the Lord. It's a burden, for sure, but it's something we are carrying together. We have chosen to be open about it with our friends and family, which overall has been a gift. We have had some people epically fail us, but so many more have stepped up in ways that show how much they care about us. Multiple couples have informed us of their pregnancy in private out of respect and love for us and our situation. I've been given flowers and taken out for a distraction during more difficult times on this journey. Infertility has been one of the greatest exercises in faith and total dependence on God, and so for that I am thankful. Our vulnerability has also led to others reaching out with their own stories of infertility.
Besides all of that, our lack of children has allowed us to grow exponentially as a couple. We have also been making it a point to use this time and independence to foster relationships with our friends and family, to travel, to serve God, and to work on different projects. There is no point is sitting around waiting for something that may never come, and neither of us are much for twiddling our thumbs when there are things to do. So, while we are in this time of reproductive barrenness, we are choosing to bear fruit in other ways.
Is it still hard? Yeah. Is it possible that we may never have children. Yeah. But do we have faith that God can work miracles, even one this big?
Absolutely.
Comments
Post a Comment