How to Handle a Loved One's Infertility

  I've had many people ask me what they can do or how they should approach me and this topic. I really appreciate that, because reaching out shows love. **A little disclaimer: every person is different, so my pointers may not be applicable to every person at every time. User discretion is advised.** I've compiled a list of some do's and don't's, but it's by no means the most thorough list. It has been organized to where each set of do's and don't's are complements of each other. However, the best thing to do for someone struggling with infertility is to just ask them how to approach things.

• Do...inform them of your pregnancy one on one and invite them to your celebrations. Text or phone call is probably best when breaking the news, if you're able. Infertile couples still love you and your baby! They want to celebrate with you.
• Don't...complain about your pregnancy symptoms to them. It's like getting punched in the gut.
• Do...share stories about your children with them. Just be tactful about it. Summaries of an event are great, a play by play may not be received quite as well.
• Don't...complain about the struggles of parenthood. Couples who are infertile would gladly wake up 5 times every night if it meant having a child.
• Do...check in and see how they are doing. It really helps to know that they are in your thoughts and that you care about what they're going through.
• Don't...ask overly personal questions or assume anything. If they want to share, they will share and the conversation will go from their prompting. Everyone's journey is different; your friend may only need to take Clomid whereas your sister may need surgery to help conceive.
• Do...offer your love and support. A girl's night out after another negative pregnancy test or buying her coffee before a long day of appointments can go a long way.
• Don't...offer advice. More than likely, they've heard it all before. And some couples have a line separating the treatment options that they are comfortable with trying and the ones they are not.
• Do...understand that she is under a significant amount of stress, and there are things that she cannot (and should not) handle. Studies have shown that people who struggle with infertility have comparable amounts of stress to people who have cancer. It's a heavy cross to bear.
• Don't...minimize or demonize her or the situation. Infertility is not their fault, and is certainly not something anybody wants to go through.
• Do...be charitable if/when she shares her feelings. Infertility has a stigma that often makes people feel they must suffer alone and not tell anyone about it. It takes a large amount of courage to be vulnerable and talk about it.
• Don't...take offense if they ask you to tone down pregnancy/baby/parenthood talk around them or if they decline to attend a baby shower or diaper keg. Sometimes, it is necessary for couples with infertility to guard their hearts. Be understanding and as mindful as you can.

  Infertility is really difficult. It's hard for the couple, it's hard for their families, and it's hard for their friends. The more understanding we are of each other's crosses, the more easily they can be carried.