I'm Not Okay, But He Is
This is probably going to be my most vulnerable piece yet, so hang on to your hats....
I'm really good at acting like I have it all together. When people ask me how life is going, I almost never say how I'm actually feeling. Usually, I say life is crazy but it's all good, when in reality I'm a complete disaster. I actually started going to counseling because I just couldn't handle the weight of everything anymore. Nearly every day I contemplate running away....Jordan usually has to get me out of bed in the mornings because I don't have the drive to do it myself....I don't always eat or bathe or even get up to go to the bathroom when I should because I feel so sad and alone and dead. My heart has been so restless. I don't want to be home or at work or anywhere else. I can't read anymore. I can barely sit through a movie. I don't remember how it feels to be my normal self.
The past couple days have really brought things to a head. We got more discouraging news from my midwife about our infertility and I've just about had it. The elephant in our bedroom stomped its way into all areas of my life and I can't get it out. Not by myself. Not even with Jordan's help. It's not just about being infertile; it's about being depressed and feeling like I'm out of control. I've gotten so tired of being okay for a day and getting into a slump again. Over and over and over. Tonight, on my way home from teaching Religious Ed (which I almost skipped), I called one of my best friends. I figured talking to her would help, but she was busy. Jordan was playing basketball so I couldn't talk to him, and I didn't really have anyone else I felt like I could call.
So I turned to God.
Why it took me so long to do this, I don't know. I mean, I'm still into my faith and all, but I sort of quit talking to God on a personal level. I turned to my own means of controlling my life, and I turned to people. It didn't work out, so I gave Him a piece of my mind. Not gonna lie, I was a hazard on the road. I was sobbing to God. I was shouting. I was whining. I was hysterical. During it all, I was listening to KLOVE Radio, a Christian music station. And He used that to His advantage. While I was giving God an earful, He managed to reclaim my heart.
Frankly, it's embarrassing to confess that I pushed God away when I'm so vocal about my Faith. I pretty much ignored Him and closed my heart to everyone, especially Him. I had a plan for how my life was supposed to be. I had hopes and dreams and I was gonna make them happen, come Hell or high water. Well, that didn't work out at all. Tonight, I felt God working in my soul. It wasn't an exact phrases like, "You'll be pregnant in exactly 3 weeks and eventually have 8 kids" or "You will get exactly what you want, Mikaela" or "You need to increase your medication dose." No. Actually, it was more of a dawning. In such a personal way, God reminded me that He is the only one I can put all hope in. He is the only one who knows where my life is headed. He is the only one, the best one, who will bring my through this trial. And because of Him, everything will be okay. Jesus could have stopped His Passion and Death at any point, but He didn't. Because He loved me then. And He loves me now.
I don't know what's going to happen in the future. In a few weeks, I'll probably need to reevaluate and give myself to God again, though. That's how this faith thing works. It isn't just one 'yes' to Him. Like any relationship, being with God means I have to say 'yes' to Him every moment of every day. I'm going to fail. We all will. But that's okay, because He is always waiting for us and never gets tired of seeing us run back to Him. Even if you're like me and come kicking and screaming.
So. Am I okay? No, I'm not okay. But every moment I get closer to God, I become a little more okay. All I need to do is give my next 'yes' to Him.
I'm really good at acting like I have it all together. When people ask me how life is going, I almost never say how I'm actually feeling. Usually, I say life is crazy but it's all good, when in reality I'm a complete disaster. I actually started going to counseling because I just couldn't handle the weight of everything anymore. Nearly every day I contemplate running away....Jordan usually has to get me out of bed in the mornings because I don't have the drive to do it myself....I don't always eat or bathe or even get up to go to the bathroom when I should because I feel so sad and alone and dead. My heart has been so restless. I don't want to be home or at work or anywhere else. I can't read anymore. I can barely sit through a movie. I don't remember how it feels to be my normal self.
The past couple days have really brought things to a head. We got more discouraging news from my midwife about our infertility and I've just about had it. The elephant in our bedroom stomped its way into all areas of my life and I can't get it out. Not by myself. Not even with Jordan's help. It's not just about being infertile; it's about being depressed and feeling like I'm out of control. I've gotten so tired of being okay for a day and getting into a slump again. Over and over and over. Tonight, on my way home from teaching Religious Ed (which I almost skipped), I called one of my best friends. I figured talking to her would help, but she was busy. Jordan was playing basketball so I couldn't talk to him, and I didn't really have anyone else I felt like I could call.
So I turned to God.
Why it took me so long to do this, I don't know. I mean, I'm still into my faith and all, but I sort of quit talking to God on a personal level. I turned to my own means of controlling my life, and I turned to people. It didn't work out, so I gave Him a piece of my mind. Not gonna lie, I was a hazard on the road. I was sobbing to God. I was shouting. I was whining. I was hysterical. During it all, I was listening to KLOVE Radio, a Christian music station. And He used that to His advantage. While I was giving God an earful, He managed to reclaim my heart.
Frankly, it's embarrassing to confess that I pushed God away when I'm so vocal about my Faith. I pretty much ignored Him and closed my heart to everyone, especially Him. I had a plan for how my life was supposed to be. I had hopes and dreams and I was gonna make them happen, come Hell or high water. Well, that didn't work out at all. Tonight, I felt God working in my soul. It wasn't an exact phrases like, "You'll be pregnant in exactly 3 weeks and eventually have 8 kids" or "You will get exactly what you want, Mikaela" or "You need to increase your medication dose." No. Actually, it was more of a dawning. In such a personal way, God reminded me that He is the only one I can put all hope in. He is the only one who knows where my life is headed. He is the only one, the best one, who will bring my through this trial. And because of Him, everything will be okay. Jesus could have stopped His Passion and Death at any point, but He didn't. Because He loved me then. And He loves me now.
I don't know what's going to happen in the future. In a few weeks, I'll probably need to reevaluate and give myself to God again, though. That's how this faith thing works. It isn't just one 'yes' to Him. Like any relationship, being with God means I have to say 'yes' to Him every moment of every day. I'm going to fail. We all will. But that's okay, because He is always waiting for us and never gets tired of seeing us run back to Him. Even if you're like me and come kicking and screaming.
So. Am I okay? No, I'm not okay. But every moment I get closer to God, I become a little more okay. All I need to do is give my next 'yes' to Him.
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